It seems wherever you look these days, people are eager to share their opinions, but they don’t seem to seek the opinions of others very often. This is happening on a grand scale (both macro and micro), in so many facets of our modern lives. There are many reasons for this, and you could certainly make the case that any of them are the cause of this sad epidemic. Whether it’s the anonymity of the internet, the echo chambers we now self-select into, the notion that if somebody doesn’t agree with my ideas we can’t be friends, people’s lack of ability to tolerate negative emotions in order to hear something they disagree with, people feeling like they have a time crunch and need to finish conversations quickly, people believing that if the other person had the information they have, then surely the other person would switch to their opinion and think the way they think.
Honestly, I am more interested in possible solutions, for myself, for our society and for all of the individuals within our society. It’s my job to help people find happiness and I think this is something that could lead to many more people being happy or happier. It is my belief that if we could change the paradigm from, “I’m waiting for you to finish speaking, so I can say what I want to say,” (“…because let’s face it, that’s what is really important in this conversation…”) to “Help me understand fully what you are trying to convey to me,” it would lead to more understanding, more empathy and more happiness. We would all be in such a better place and feel more connected, regardless of our beliefs.
As a couple’s therapist, lack of listening and empathy is something that many couples show up at the beginning of treatment struggling with. Often times, couples are trying to move too fast, or to win arguments. Playing this zero-sum game typically leads to a result of not connecting with each other, which leads to low relationship satisfaction and sometimes even break up.
In Gottman Couple’s Method there is an intervention called the Rapoport Intervention. John Gottman is truly a genius, and this intervention does more to help with listening than any other I have come across. In many sessions where this tool is introduced, I feel like we have added magic to a session, where a couple goes from being totally at odds with each other, to slowing down and being able to feel understood by the other person. It’s like they put their swords away. In some instances, this experience is rare in the relationship to that point and brings a new closeness with it that helps lead into discussions that actually gain traction, where they felt stuck previously.
Sometimes that moment does not happen on the first try, but in a subsequent session or discussion. No matter when this occurs, this moment is one of my favorites in all my work. It often feels like there has been a release and a softness has been added into discussions that is a breakthrough for the communication and well-being of the couple. To me, this softness allows each partner to truly see the other person and this is so beautiful.
I hope to help you, dear reader, experience this breakthrough and find more happiness for yourself, and bring more peace and happiness to our society as a whole.
Stay happy,
Gabe Cohen, LMFT