Blissful Therapy Blogs - Blissful Life Marriage & Family Therapy Inc Long Beach California

Learning to Listen is what the world (and many couples) needs right now

Posted in Blissful Therapy Blogs April 25, 2024

It seems wherever you look these days, people are eager to share their opinions, but they don’t seem to seek the opinions of others very often. This is happening on a grand scale (both macro and micro), in so many facets of our modern lives. There are many reasons for this, and you could certainly make the case that any of them are the cause of this sad epidemic. Whether it’s the anonymity of the internet, the echo chambers we now self-select into, the notion that if somebody doesn’t agree with my ideas we can’t be friends, people’s lack of ability to tolerate negative emotions in order to hear something they disagree with, people feeling like they have a time crunch and need to finish conversations quickly, people believing that if the other person had the information they have, then surely the other person would switch to their opinion and think the way they think.

Honestly, I am more interested in possible solutions, for myself, for our society and for all of the individuals within our society. It’s my job to help people find happiness and I think this is something that could lead to many more people being happy or happier. It is my belief that if we could change the paradigm from, “I’m waiting for you to finish speaking, so I can say what I want to say,” (“…because let’s face it, that’s what is really important in this conversation…”) to “Help me understand fully what you are trying to convey to me,” it would lead to more understanding, more empathy and more happiness. We would all be in such a better place and feel more connected, regardless of our beliefs.

As a couple’s therapist, lack of listening and empathy is something that many couples show up at the beginning of treatment struggling with. Often times, couples are trying to move too fast, or to win arguments. Playing this zero-sum game typically leads to a result of not connecting with each other, which leads to low relationship satisfaction and sometimes even break up.

In Gottman Couple’s Method there is an intervention called the Rapoport Intervention. John Gottman is truly a genius, and this intervention does more to help with listening than any other I have come across. In many sessions where this tool is introduced, I feel like we have added magic to a session, where a couple goes from being totally at odds with each other, to slowing down and being able to feel understood by the other person. It’s like they put their swords away. In some instances, this experience is rare in the relationship to that point and brings a new closeness with it that helps lead into discussions that actually gain traction, where they felt stuck previously.

Sometimes that moment does not happen on the first try, but in a subsequent session or discussion. No matter when this occurs, this moment is one of my favorites in all my work. It often feels like there has been a release and a softness has been added into discussions that is a breakthrough for the communication and well-being of the couple. To me, this softness allows each partner to truly see the other person and this is so beautiful.

I hope to help you, dear reader, experience this breakthrough and find more happiness for yourself, and bring more peace and happiness to our society as a whole.

Stay happy,

Gabe Cohen, LMFT

Lessons we can learn from, “Groundhog Day,”

Posted in Blissful Therapy Blogs February 6, 2024

A few years ago, a friend of mine asked to borrow the movie, “Groundhog Day,” from me to watch on Groundhog Day. This idea tickled me, and I thought this was a good idea after hearing it. So, like any good idea I come across, I adopted it for myself, as well. Since then, I will typically watch, “Groundhog Day,” every year on (or around) February 2nd. Watching this movie repeatedly feels very on point to the movie’s essence. That being said, I would not be willing to watch this movie so frequently if I did not find it to be truly outstanding and capture life wisdom like few other movies ever have. Here are a couple of lessons I believe we can all learn from this wonderful film:

1) You shape your reality by creating perspective with your attitude – In the bowling alley scene, the other patron points out to Phil how some people see the beer glass as half full and others half empty and Phil seems like one of those, “half-empty kind of guys.” I see this as the primary message of this movie. In all our lives, we have a moment by moment choice to decide on how we react to our experiences in the world. We get a choice to look for the beauty that exists all around in everyday life, or to focus on how so many things could be better. Keeping a gratitude journal is healthy way to remind yourself of everything good in our lives day to day. I heard AJ Jacobs describe how grateful he is for modern medicine on a podcast when his book, “Thanks a Thousand,” (his quest to thank everyone in the chain responsible for his morning cup of coffee) was coming out. He described how only a few generations ago in human history, surgery was being done without anesthesia! Can you imagine having to experience something like that? Modern times bring us so many advantages that humans have never had before in tens of thousands of years and most of us largely take these things for granted. I, for one, am incredibly grateful for air conditioning, automobiles, airplanes, refrigeration, telephones, internet, credit cards, glasses, vulcanized rubber, domesticated cats, baseball and hummingbird feeders, amongst many other modern luxuries I experience everyday. Could I focus on how somebody has it better than me? Sure, that’s possible, but not helpful. I am not saying by any means that we should be eschewing societal progress, we should continue to move forward and I appreciate all the people who focus on this so much these days. What I am advocating for is to stop and smell the roses any chance you get, because they are intoxicating and you have the opportunity to smell them whenever you walk by. Trust me, you will feel better after smelling some roses!

2) How you treat other people really affects them and you have the power to make the difference in other people’s lives – One of the best things I have noticed about this movie that I did not really notice upon my first few viewings is the stark difference in how the character actors react to Phil at the beginning and by the end. My favorite example is the guy he meets at the top of the stairs. In their first encounter, Phil is snarky and this guy kind of misses the sarcasm and is left a bit confused. The second day, he’s left genuinely frightened when Phil is confused and pushes him up against the wall and threatens him. Towards the end, after Phil has made the metamorphosis from self-centered, egomaniacal jerk to genuine nice guy, trying to go out of his way to be kind to others, his new exuberance for life leaves this character beaming from the poetry and warm interaction. There are similar changes with all the characters Phil interacts with: “Needle-nose Ned,” is labeled as, “a giant leech,” after the first meeting Phil has and on the last day, tells Rita, “This is the best day of my life,” merely because Phil purchased a bunch of insurance from him. In the context of resetting the day everyday, this would have cost Phil nothing, but brought an incredible amount of joy to Ned. We all have choices like this everyday in real life. We can hold doors open for our fellow humans, let people merge in front of us on the 405 and say thank you when people show us such social courtesies or hand us the cup of coffee we ordered. Are we required to do these things? No. But we make the world a little bit better to live in with every choice we make to be kind to each other. Again, it costs us nothing, and spreads joy to humanity. To me, this is an easy choice to make. The other characters also respond more positively once Phil changes his behavior and acts kind. Think about how you can affect others and make good choices for humanity!

This got a bit wordy, so… TO BE CONTINUED…

“I wish we came to see you 2 years ago.” “Me too.”

Posted in Blissful Therapy Blogs October 7, 2023

According to relationship and marriage expert Dr. John Gottman, couples wait an average of six years of being unhappy before getting help.

Read that again: 6… YEARS…

That’s a long time to be unhappy (or for anything else for that matter). I understand that making a change is very difficult and taking the first step to even begin a search for a therapist can be a confusing and daunting task. But, if you are not happy, there is no time like the present to start making a change. If you are considering treatment, it will behoove you to start as soon as possible.

I often hear from couples something like, “Man, I wish we came to see you 2 years ago.” Often times, my response is simply: “Me too.” While couples are sitting in tension for years (which sucks!!!), much damage can be done and pain is the result. For many, there is still a spark that we can fan to get the flames going again. It’s like a phoenix rising up out of the ashes and the relationship to get back to a place of friendship, love and happiness. Sadly, though, not always. If so much damage is done to the fondness and admiration system that it’s dead on arrival, that fire may be out forever. This is rare, but I have seen it.

For those of you reading this and wondering if now is the right time, it probably is! I encourage you to send me a message or call me right now while this is on your mind. If you had a broken leg, you wouldn’t walk around on it for years, just hoping that it healed on it’s own (at least, I really hope not). Mental health issues and relationship issues affect your life, your happiness, your ability to do the things you want in so many ways. Why should getting help for these painful issues be any less important than a physical ailment?

Decades of research has led to effective tools for fixing the components of a relationship (I encourage you to read more on Gottman.com). If you are ready, I am here to teach you these tools. Let’s start the healing process and get your life back!